ENOUGH!

Mary J. Blige had an epiphany in "Enough Crying"...

"The sex was good ya had my mind. And I let ya come back everytime, you would violate and cross the line, and you knew that I would be the type to always wait so patiently , thinkin you was comin home to me, well, damn I never heard the key or felt your tap saying 'are you sleep?'. I've done enough cryin', cryin' cryin'. It's time to say BYE-BYE-BYE!"

Jennifer Lopez also had an epiphany in "Enough" the movie, and between running from city to city, desperately strategizing and taking self-defense lessons, she managed to "put down" the man who bruised her face and her heart repeatedly.

So what does it take before we say enough? Enough of the heartache, disrespect, unfulfilled needs/wants, when is enough, enough?

For me, like many women, (Dana McGreavy/Silda Spitzer??) it was with public humiliation and scandel.

I personally have decided that, THAT is TOO damn much!

I watched as Silda (and Dana) stood by her "man" with a sort of surreal, catatonic look on her face and thought "Why the hell do we go soooo long and put up with soooo much?!"

I think there are many answers to that question. I certainly am NOT the expert considering I needed a train to hit me before I said "enough!" However, I think we must closely examine and question what we are teaching our daughters through example, the media, innuendo that might cause them to feel that a man behaving badly is a good man for them.

Someone said to me, after learning that my now ex-mate probably needs to "live in Utah" given his "commitment" choices that women are wired differently from men. True. But does being wired differently mean that our standards for respect, love and treatment from others are lower? I think not.

I know that women are biologically made to endure intense pain for hours (otherwise mankind would be extinct) but does that mean we must endure endless emotional pain as well? (Physical abuse is a no brainer for most of us....but why is the line between physical and emotional abuse so nebulous?)

We tolerate the public humiliation, misogyny and exploitation of women in pornography, music videos and rap lyrics, Hollywood's glorification of Polygamy in "The Bachelor, Flavor of Love and Big Love" and the endless images/ideas that teach us that we get and keep men through our looks, game playing and how much we can do for them." AND to let that asinine Dr. Laura tell it, "it's OUR fault if our men do "whatever the hell they want"?! This is EXACTLY the message that I DON"T want my daughters to learn.

Hopefully the ENOUGH comes when women realize that no matter how many times a gourmet dinner is on the table when he walks in the door, or how many times he is met by his mate wearing only stilettos and a sequined thong, it doesn't matter if he/she is a cheater, liar or perpetual adolescent. He is STILL going to do what the hell he wants to do.

What we learn in the end is that all of it is a big "non-reality" show. If our daughters are learning to shove aside their true thoughts, feelings, ambitions and desires so they can be with a man, she is living a "non-reality". This is the behavior that enables a man to ignore/abuse her, go on prostitute sprees, have a secret gay life or multiple families. "Thanks honey for being soooo understanding while I do what I want when I want without regard for your feelings. I love you." Yeah right!

Dr. Laura is right I guess. It IS our fault when our men behave badly. The FIRST time we feel disrespected, hurt, ignored or mistreated we should say "ENOUGH", "Strike One", "Have you lost your DAMN mind?!" , or something that will get his attention and let him know that certain behavior will NOT be tolerated.

I was able to do a Mary J. "Enough". Get your stuff, get out, I am taking my life and self-respect back fool!. But trust, I know that many women have been pushed to a J-Lo kind of "Enough". I don't condone it, but I understand!

Know when enough is enough.

The New Dirty Dancing?!

Friday night was my son's 13th birthday party. I have finally recovered physically (kinda) from the preparation, long day, loud blaring music and clean-up. I have not mentally or emotionally recovered however from the degree of "chaperoning" necessary.

I have been teaching middle school for 14 years. I have had middle schoolers of my own now for 3 years. In May, my graduating 8th grade class had a Spring Farewell Dance. They got all dressed up and partied. The dance until you sweat kinda partying that I can relate to. There were a few hoochified moments where we had to separate a couple of curious pubescents that were attempting to get "their grind on" in the midst of the crowd. Again, I could relate. (I am really going to date myself here) I have very vivid memories of me, a pair of Jordache Jeans (that I poured my willowy, 15 year old body into), Daryl Taylor (a SO FINE, tall, dark and handsome guard on our schools basketball team) and a Peaches and Herb slow jam! Yes, the grind was on!

I can understand, acknowledge and accept the awkward developmental stage of the 12-16 year old crowd. Their blossoming sexuality, wonderings, questions, crushes, moodiness, and impatience with anyone over 18, are natural in this stage of development. As uncomfortable as it makes the adults, it is natural! We have all been there. If we are honest, thinking, responsible adults that have adolescents in our lives, we handle this stage with patience, and proactivity. We listen carefully, very carefully to their questions and conversations, so that the communication, messages and lessons are clear. We want them to be confident and comfortable( as comfortable as they can be) about who they are and what they are experiencing. We want them to have self-respect and to respect others. We want them to be knowledgable about what it means to make responsible choices for themselves in the 21st century. This process is waaaaay more complex than I am able to discuss in the few words of this blog.

What I didn't realize is that apparently it is too complex for parents to tell their 13-15 years olds that LAP DANCING is not an acceptable dance in middle school...or high school....or ANYWHERE unless it is the privacy of your home or your place of employment if you happen to be a "stripper"!

So you can imagine my SHOCK, to put it mildly, when several of the boys at the party proceeded to get chairs and move them to the center of the room. I was confused by this for a moment, until I watched, appalled, as several of the girls proceeded to "choose" their boys, turn around and "pop that booty" in their laps!

As Oprah's BFF, Gayle King would say, "Aw, HELL TO THE NAW!!!"

My good friend/co-chaperone, went to the DJ, got a mike and made the announcement " ANYONE who is participating in lap dancing will have their parents, grandparents, aunites, uncles, WHOMEVER is your caregiver, called to come and pick you up!" The most disappointing part of this was that after the announcement, half of the kids sat down. They didn't know what to do when we took "stripper dancing" off the table?!

Now as much as I take up for Beyonce, my mind immediately flashed to the Prime Time BET awards of a year or so ago, when Destiny's Child, IN PRIME TIME, pulled Magic Johnson, Terrence Howard and Nelly to the stage and proceeded to give them lap dances in front of God and the world. At the time, I thought it simply "entertaining" cause I love me some Beyonce and I love, love, love me some Terrence Howard. In retrospect, I think of my own children's television/computer/media exposure. All of the televisions in my house have a ratings lock on them. When they ask me to unlock them, I need to know what it is that they are trying to watch. Only after my approval do I unlock it. I keep a constant eye on the computer screens as well. But they were sitting watching the BET awards with me that night. And I honestly don't remember the conversation during the "lap dance" segment.

But you better believe early Saturday morning, we had a serious conversation about many things, self-respect, respect of others, and appropriate forms of dancing. They are CLEAR that lap dancing is NOT on that list.

Overall, I feel sad that this generation of children and teenagers have had their innocence robbed from them. The gratuitous sex, violence, and "reality" of the television and internet have left little to the imagination, little for them to be shocked by. But much to learn and/or unlearn about being self-respecting, thinking, responsible, productive young adults.

Although my father would have snatched me off of the dance floor had he been witness to my 3 minute "relatively" innocent slow grind with Daryl Taylor, he would have been amused and relieved that most of my time at parties and dances was spent working up a sweat doing the Cabbage Patch, Smurf, Roger Rabbit or Running Man (I'm dating myself again). When we left "the spot" we were laughing, sweaty and ready for Fat Burger because we had "GOTTEN OUR GROOVE ON", NOT gotten our "GROOVE' on!?!

One good thing about my Friday night experience is that I TEACH most of the students who were at my son's party . My lesson and discussions for the next 2 days before Thanksgiving are clear. Something along the lines of "comparing and contrasting" Middle School Students with Strippers/Men who get lap dances!