Double X Apparently Means Double Standard

I know this is not a new thought, idea, conjecture, but what the hell is up with the double standard in, what is this, 2008?

Women have been working full time forever! I am talking about ALL the working we do. Not just out of the home for someone else, but in the home as well, and I KNOW first hand that stay at home mom's work harder than ANYBODY that gets to leave the house from 9-5.

So why is it, that those human beings with an X and a Y chromosome must constantly remind us that they "have been at work all day". They need to WIND down. "I just need to have some peace and quiet for ONE hour."

"EXCUSE me?!" I worked all day TOO! Maybe I got up at 5 a.m., fixed breakfast (while you slept), made lunches (while you took a shower), woke up all the kids( while you watched the news) and then took a 3 minute shower, put on wrinkled pants and got out the door with NO time to spare, dropping kids off here, there and everywhere while you are looking and smelling like a rose and rolling up to the office leisurely. But somehow, you are working harder than me!

Maybe I got to go to work with grown-ups and meet other peoples deadlines, time-crunches and demands, or maybe I did the same thing, just at home with babies, toddlers and other short people.

And at 5 o'clock p.m. I am having Deja Vu. This time however, I am cooking dinner (while you watch the news) helping kids with homework (while you watch the game) and giving babies baths (while you snore in the chair).

Now, being that we are intelligent, compassionate beings, we say things like, "Honey, do you think you could run the bath water for the kids, while I finish up the dishes?" Ha-Ha!

"I just want to finish watching the last quarter of the game! You know I've been working all day!"

I am not begrudging him the game, I just DON'T want him to begrudge me my long luxurious bath at the end of the day. Why is his game non-negotiable, but my bath is?

Why do they insist that what we do all day, is less tiring, less stressful than what they do? And this entitles them to more play time?

Or what about the Daddy Baby-Sitter? The daddy babysitter is the guy that you have to "ASK" ahead of time if he is available to watch HIS OWN kids while you...DO ANYTHING!

"I have to go to the grocery store..."

"Yeah, okay. How long will you be?"

How LONG will I be? What is that? It's not like I said I was going to the club with my girlfriends! I said I was going to the very exciting GROCERY STORE.

"Oh, I don't know? I get a little carried away, thumping the Honeydew melons sometimes!" PUH-LEEZE!

But when we DO try to go to a movie, out to lunch, or participate in any other entertaining activity, we get,

"Uh, sorry, I'm going to a Laker Game!"

Huh? ! Why is it that if I am doing something outside of the house, I have to ASK ahead of time, like a teenager. However, HE just goes. Knowing that the mother, woman, primary care-giver, will be home ( or arrange for an acceptable caregiver to be there?)

I get it, but I just don't GET IT. Reasonably intelligent men, become complete (insert your best word here) when it comes to what they believe their home, parental and relationship responsibilities are. They have a freedom, a laissez faire that I don't understand. You know things like going out to a meeting and three hours later they call and say "oh, i got into a pick-up game at the park." How the hell did you get from a business meeting to the park?! All while I was home doing laundry, chasing a 4 year old and sweeping the floor.

Of course there is the one where you're trying to reach them via electronic device and you may or may not get an answer. But if YOU don't pick up on the second ring or text back instantaneously, they send out the National Guard. We are supposed to be readily available, at all times. They will "get back to you when they can"

This just touches the surface of the double-standards that seem to be socially acceptable or just "accepted". I am not begrudging men their freedom and right to rest and relax, just please don't begrudge me the same!

Detox

People...the FDA, media, researchers, companies, etc spend a lot of time, money and energy, identifying, categorizing, labeling and warning people about toxins that are hazardous to our physical and mental health. Television shows and movies have been made about the disastrous effects on children, adults, and whole communities being exposed to various life threatening substances. We scurry around buying anti-bacterial soap, organic produce, testing for lead, making sure we dispose of old paint, cleaners (dirty diapers) and other potentially dangerous household items properly. Recently in my quest to get rid of disgusting feral cats from my yard, I investigated several methods until I found one that wouldn't harm the cats, just get them to go away.

So why is it when we are so cautious about ridding ourselves, homes and neighborhoods of toxic substances do we put up with toxic people?

You know who I'm talking about. These are the people that suck the very life out of us. Usually slowly and painfully. They are people that we encounter on a fairly regular basis. They are probably people that you call, relative, friend or lover and that is why they are still there, like a leech, getting their nourishment from your demise.

Well I say it's time for DETOX!

Who do you have in your life that is there purely for their own benefit? You will recognize this person by their constant complaining. Or maybe it's when they tell you they love you but want you to change everything thing you think, say and do. It's the friend who hates all your other friends, or the lover who questions every single thing you do. It could be the person who is always right while you are always wrong. It is the person that it takes an unnatural amount of energy to be around and when you/they leave, you are both relieved AND exhausted.

For this person that is squashing, stomping out, quelling your joy, enthusiasm, breath, life... get one of those BIG yellow containers that says "HAZARDOUS MATERIALS" and STUFF THEIR BUTT IN IT!

It is time for you to DETOX!

What Are Friends For?

In the midst of a life crisis or change, therapy is probably in order. During these times, we definitely lose perspective. What is real, imaginary and/or just plain drama, might elude us as we exist behind a mask of tears. Someone to sit and talk to is essential. Someone whose objectivity helps us to remember that we are not crazy, ugly, or unlovable is comforting.
Although a therapist would be great , (because you get to rant and complain to a complete stranger whom if they judge you…you could care less) a friend will do, at the cost of maybe lunch or a pitcher of margaritas.
I don't mean just ANY friend. If you are like me, you don't have many friends and so this is not an issue. The one or two that you have are real keepers. However, if you have several people that you find yourself sharing intimate details with, you must use some discretion.
• Your "therapist friend" must not be miserable in his/her own love life.
o You don't need "gripe" or "male-bashing" sessions.
o Some friends think that "all men are dogs" and then your misery has just found company. (Contrary to what you may be feeling at the moment this IS NOT a good thing.)
• She/he must be a good listener, because you are most likely to go on and on and on about your angst.
• She/he must be able to withstand your tantrums. You know the ones where you take out your angst on them, only to apologize profusely within 10 minutes.
• She/he must be extroverted and tenacious enough to get you out of the house when you have pulled the covers over your head one too many times.
• When you DO get out, she/he must be persistent enough, not to let you buy yet ANOTHER BLACK, ANYTHING! She/he encourages you to try something NEW, and at the same time NOT pull a Britney Spears!
• She/he must have an incredible spirit of discernment. They need to know when to tell you what you WANT to hear and when to say "Awww, Hell - to -the - Nah!"
• Most importantly, she/he must be available to offer comfort in the middle of the night when you call sobbing because your heart is broken.
Yes, therapy is great. It might save some wear and tear on a friendship. However, a "therapist friend" knows you, knows your situation and will be there long after the money runs out. Friends are irreplaceable during life's changes, because they help one another grow and find all the joys of life that are hiding behind funky situations.

Do YOU!

Where you at?! This is not a rhetorical question. Nor, is it a reminisce of the goofy Boost Mobile commercials featuring mischievous octogenarians groovin' to a Fabolous tune (Whoo hooo!) . I genuinely want to know "where YOU at?"
I BET you know where all the kids are, because you have been dropping them off and picking them up, and dropping them off and picking them up and … You pro-ba-bly know where your mate is, or at least, where the hell he is supposed to be. And if I take a wild guess, I know where YOU are. You are behind the steering wheel, in front of the stove, at the grocery store, rushing out of the house to work, underneath a pile of laundry….I could go on , but it might get overwhelming…or depressing…or the obvious combination of the two.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not bemoaning the duties of "woman". It is gratifying to care for our families. What I AM bemoaning is the cessation of caring for ourselves. The kids have dance, sports, friends, movie-night. Your man is most definitely doing HIS thing, whatever that may be…golf, basketball, poker, working on the car. What, besides caring for everyone else do YOU love or want to do? When was the last time you did it? Where YOU at?!
What one thing would you do right now if you had the time? What is it? What do you want to try? Read a book, work in the garden, take a dance class, write poetry? Why aren't you doing it? Self- neglect is the number cause of…..unhappiness, relationship drama, depression…you name it. Of course I have no real statistics to back this up, except my own devastating spiral into all of the above.
When I looked up and my man had one foot out the door, I looked in the mirror and asked myself, "where you at?" I couldn't find even a glimpse of the person he had fallen in love with. Even if I just forget about him for a minute( make it more, my best friend would say) and try to find the me that I used to be in love with, it is a difficult task.
So ladies, get out a pen and paper, right now! Make a list of five things that YOU want, have wanted, been wanting to do. Start slow, but do at least ONE this week. Tell me "where you AT?!"

7 in the Bed

Even in the midst of drama and emotion, the family comes first. So here we are, family trip, mostly about the kids, but it makes for a nice, neutral spot to remember why you mated with this person in the first place. With toddler twins the bed gets crowded anyway, but going through it, makes for a much more crowded situation.

First, there is the elephant called "rough times" which takes up about 1/4 of the bed. Nasty visitor is this tension, which we almost always feel compelled to try and remove by force.
Second, is Male Trepidation (MT). This really amounts to his fear of his HUGE balls being removed in the middle of the night, by the bitter woman lying two children away from him. (Somehow MT always shows itself as Assanine Arrogance.) MT typically tries to hog half of the bed.
Third, The Brick, which is the vulnerable females alter ego. She is vying for 1/2 the bed, determined not to let MT win over. She stands ready to hit Vulnerable Female right over the head the minute she starts to swoon in nostalgic weakness. "BAM! Get a Clue, this is the same fool that didn't come home the other night.

The good thing is that even with all those folks in the bed, the neutral locale made for civil conversation. Natural, non-reactionary talk about kids, work, relationship. You know he really is so funny....and charming. He really is just going through a phase he doesn't mean to......BAM! BAM! BAM!

Guess who just got control of the covers?!

Who Moved My Man?!

Most of us subconsciously anticipate some degree of change over a period of time without drama. We put on a few pounds, our favorite show ends it's run, the kids need new shoes ,we notice a grey hair. We are somehow prepared for these gradual, ever present shifts in our realities. As a matter of fact, things might get monotonous if these changes did not occur.
So why then, if we know that change is inevitable do we lose it the moment that we recognize…more truthfully, acknowledge, changes in our man and relationships?
It isn't that we don't notice the changes. Let's be honest here. We are pretty good at noticing the most miniscule changes in everything. Especially if you are a control freak like me.
Unfortunately it seems that there are some things that we just assume….desire….hope will be consistent, steady and dependable. Our relationship with our man is one of those things.
We begin in such bliss, and frankly we want it to stay that way. Admit it, even in your annoyed rantings at picking up his underwear off the floor, or helping him to find his keys for the thousandth time, you are all still in the "fairytale" mindset with your relationship…and in bliss.
Then…when you least expect it, a brick falls on your head. Once the room stops spinning and you get your focus, you barely recognize the man that is standing before you. Yes, it looks like the man you love, sounds like the man you love, but something about THIS man in front of you just ain't quite right.
The man YOU love HATES shopping, but this one keeps coming home with new polo shirts and cologne. The man you love comes in to kiss you while you are frying chicken and asks what time dinner will be ready, this new creature announces "Oh, I decided to go vegetarian"?! The man you love, coaches the kids basketball team, this new man says, " I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore" WTF!!
So you pick your mouth up off of the floor and quietly…. well, not so quietly, go into warp speed trying to get things back the way they are supposed to be before your man loses any more of his damn mind! You clean a little better, take a cooking class and learn to make a mean Tofu Teriyaki, and of course you stop by Victoria's Secret and turn up the heat in the sheets!
All this running and cooking and _________ of course just moved that man right back where he was when you last saw him, right? WRONG!
Spencer Johnson, helped me figure it out in his very honest, very succinct book, Who Moved My Cheese . I got too comfortable. I committed to the situation before me because in that moment it was solid, secure and loving. I forgot or maybe, ignored the reality of change. Maybe I was just too inundated with life…. kids, work, dinner, sleep ( when I am lucky). How could this be?? I saw the grey hair and covered it, I bought the new shoes for our kids, I stopped the Tivo after the Sopranos finale, these things are evidence that I understand change, right?
So why do we conveniently not notice when our man has fallen asleep on the couch for 3 nights in a row, or that while he used to take us to all of his Season ticket holder Laker games, he now just goes alone, cause the "sitter thing is such a hassle".
In retrospect, I HAD noticed when the cheese…the man, had started to dwindle, but like Hem (Spencer, 1998), instead of anticipating and responding to change, I dug my heals in and demanded that my man and relationship NOT CHANGE!
It doesn't work . So stop! Stop running in circles. Stop digging in your heals. Stop pretending that things haven't changed because it IS time for a change.